I wanted to share a personal story.
I don't have time to write it all right now. But since I don't know when I will, I will write some of it.
My first husband, let us call him PIUS, used to to beat me. He was physically abusive and hurt me frequently. He was also emotionally and spiritually abusive, controlling and sometimes mean. I used to run away and he would find me and hit me over and over. These words do not begin to tell what terror I lived in. He told me if I left him, he would come and find me and kill me, and I believed him and was afraid to go.
A few years ago, he wrote and asked if I would forgive him.
My first impulse was to say no. How could I forgive what he had done? He not only physically, emotionally and spiritually hurt me, but he affected how I view men, and the relationships I am able to have with them. I am still "damaged" by our marriage and the way he treated me.
I told him I would think about it.
Late I told him I would try to forgive him.
But while I was reading the book, I felt driven to truly forgive him. I wrote and asked him to forgive me for my part in our troubles, wondered if I had already asked, and told him I forgave him.
This is what he said:
"You never asked, No.
"We were young and foolish. I never didn't forgive you and
never held it against you.
"I always felt bad about the things I did. Like stopping you from chanting NamYoHoRengekyo, which I have been doing since 1981. And many other things which were almost unforgivable and took many years to grow out of.
"Thank you and please accept my most sincere apologies for the
hurt, disregard, disrespect and anguish."
I feel a great sadness, I feel tears, and I feel lighter. But this
has been many years in coming. I was 19 then. I am 62 now.
(photo by me, Mary Taitt)
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4 comments:
I see that lots of good work has gone into preparing this blog! Great work! Looks terrific!
Wow, what a powerful post. You are a strong woman to be able to forgive and move through that period in your life. May you be blessed.
What a wonderful thing that he asked for forgiveness and that you were able to give it. I find forgiveness to be sort of confusing. I am still growing out of the old, wrong teaching that forgiving is the same as erasing. I am estranged from my brother and haven't spoken with him in 18 years. I spent 15 years trying to work it out before I reached the point where I knew that being in contact with him was killingly destructive to my spirit. I still love him - he's my brother after all - and I also hate him - he's a mean SOB. I don't wish him ill. I just need to be safe from him. I don't know if I've forgiven him or not. I like to think that I have. I think ultimately forgiveness is about forgiving ourselves. That for me is the hardest thing. I'm in infinitely more cruel to myself than I am to others. I was trained that way as I think many women are.
I'm working on it... Guess that's all we can do in this life... keep on working on it and forgive ourselves when we aren't perfect. I think when we accomplish that, it becomes much easier to forgive others.
beautiful sunflowers!
have a nice weekend!
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