A few years back, a Tibetan monk who had served about eighteen years in a Chinese prison in Tibet came to see me after his escape to India. I knew him from my days in Tibet and remember last seeing him in 1959. During the course of that meeting I had asked him what he felt was the bigest threat or danger while he was in prison. I was amazed by his answer. It was extraordinary and inspiring. I was expecting him to say something else; instead he said that what he most feared was losing his compassion for the Chinese.
If I were to lose my compassion for those who have harmed me, then I would continue the cycle of anger and abuse that began long before I was born. I feel the desire to forgive and I feel compassion for those people. I know why they were abusive and angry. There are times when I even feel that I have forgiven these people. So I was heartened to read the passage that I quoted above in The Sunflower because it reaffirmed a conclusion that I had reached independently.
So why is it that I am still experiencing profound sadness and grief about the past? The death of my stepmother, whom I erroneously regarded as a mother, has burdened me with too much pain. What do I need to do to forgive (and I thought I had forgiven because I did not ever consciously feel anger or hate)? Obviously the Dalai Lama has spiritual wisdom that I don't have but I have no background with Buddhism for guidance. So I looked to Christianity, with which I am more familiar, and I read passages that are inspiring and comforting, such as Annie's response to Edward Flannery's response in the previous post. Annie quotes Mary Karen Read, who wrote, “When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive.”
I have prayed, sought help and read both the Bible and secular books (including The Sunflower). Forgiveness, and its peace, still evades me. I may have a clue why: I think we can only forgive if we are part of a larger community of compassionate and spiritual people who can lead the way and comfort us.
Now I ask the Dalai Lama, the Buddhists, the Christians and all readers: How do we forgive and find compassion? Is forgiveness such a large task that it requires years of study, reading and meditation? Is it inevitable that we feel that primitive anger before we can forgive? Do Buddhists experience that anger? Wouldn't I be as bad as the abusers if I felt deep anger and hatred?
I need to forgive so that I can recover.
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