When to forgive?

Sometimes, I am not sure whether or how to forgive. I feel confused.
I ask myself:

a. Jesus (What would Jesus do?) It's been suggested that we ask this when confused about how to proceed. Jesus was not always Mr. Kindness and forgiveness. He kicked over the tables of the moneychangers. He cursed a tree that wouldn't flower for him. So how do we know when to forgive and when to start kicking? (I had Sissy acting like Jesus in my kids' book, Frog Haven!)

b. Buddha (What would Buddha do?) Imperturbability? I can only FAKE IT! I can "Act as if." I can pretend. But inside is a maelstrom. It rears its ugly head when my guard is down. How can I calm the maelstrom inside? (Prayer helps).

When forgiveness?

When forgiveness?

At what point does forgiveness come into the equation when there's been an argument or misunderstanding?? Does s/he have to ASK for it, apologize? I usually just forgive him or her the best I can after a while because otherwise there is too much tension. And I feel too sad. But if there's been no apology and the bad behavior continues, is forgiveness appropriate?

Faking and Forgiving

There is the truth that meets between reality and conscienceness. Your actions, your conscious desire to forgive, are real but the realm of sleep is a playground for that which wants to undermine us from our waking desires and impulses to be good, to do what is right. If we let it do its job, we end up doubting ourselves.

I don't speak from theory. I was good because I was told to be good. And, I believed the world was good. Then I learned it wasn't always good. Next step - how to behave and feel the truth of who I am and how I felt. That was no easy task and I felt like I was faking it.

Yes, that was the word I used too. Interestingly, I still feel sometimes as though I am a fake. Case in point: I never cried after my mother's death. This means I didn't really love her. Ergo - I'm faking it. Of course, that's pure bullshit.

For me, the solution to middle of the night obsessing was and remains prayer. It is very common for me to wake in the middle of the night filled with worries, fears, anger, doubts, and dread. I finally tried prayer - the Hail Mary and Our Father of my youth and adult life. They act as a meditation, a mantra, a chant, a redirection of thought. My belief in their power restores my trust, my faith in what I really believe to be true about myself.

There is no one who pushes my buttons more than my husband does, and like you, the event is almost always about some little thing. And again like you, more than a few fights ensued because of the provocation, with rarely an apology (well, on his side anyway). But, I chalk that up to male pride and I let him have it. But somewhere along the line, I learned to let him know my real feelings and my hurts and/or general disagreement. It's not easy and I've learned to pick my times so emotions of the moment don't clutter things up.

I find myself often feeling fake at work and the source is clearly my burn-out, my impatience with the same questions and attitudes I've dealt with for 21 years. But, self-awareness has taught me to recognise the slide into rudeness and impatience (well mostly). The extra effort to reach out, do good, help and give guidance always, 100%, results in gratitude because someone took the time to listen and to hear.

Of course, there is always a voice waiting to tell me I'm such a fake. And it's not just about faking forgiveness, either. Learning to trust your own realness, in all things, just leads naturally to believing in your capacity to forgive. To not believe in our self only weakens us.

Of course, the stronger the self-belief, the stronger the assault from outside to undermine that belief, that understanding of our self. We find ourselves meeting and learning and coming to know and understand the religious sense we are all born with. But that is a whole other conversation.

More thoughts on forgiveness

Notes in reponsie to my previous post (see below)(Thank you, A)

A friend just told me she thought I was very good at forgiving.

Sometimes, I think I am good at "acting"--at pretending I've forgiven--trying to make my wishes to be a forgiving person into a reality that doesn't fully exist, a sort of hyper "acting as if."

The reason I say that is because I wake up in the middle of the night obsessing about something I think I've "released."  And then can't sleep.

Somethings that seem like little things--like my husband planting grass seed in my garden without asking.

I get mad at him more than anyone else.  I forgive him more than anyone else.  I guess that's not surprising, as we spend more time together than we do with anyone else.

But acting "as if"--as if I've forgiven him--just sort of pushes the hurt feelings deeper down where the resurface to bother me at night,

On the other hand, telling him how I feel often provokes a fight.  And a long drawn out process which may include lots more to try to forgive!!

I'd like to do a better job of being human.  I guess that means forgiving MYSELF for my imperfections, too!

Such Hard Work

Forgiving is SUCH HARD WORK. I have to do it over and over and over and then do it yet again.

I woke up early in the wee hours of morning today, in the darkness, ANGRY yet again about something I thought I'd put behind me. Angry and then depressed. Depressed that I can't seem to let go. I'm angry about a series of relatively small things. What it it were something large? How successful would I be at forgiving?

It's easy to have a holier-than-thou attitude, for me, and think, of course I would do the right thing and be forgiving. It's so much harder to actually do it. And to continue to do it for as long as it takes to succeed.

(This sunflower is a detail from a quilt made by Marie Zeller from Grosse Pointe Michigan and displayed at the Michigan State Fair. Click on the image to view it a little larger.)

Forgiveness

This is how I feel when I have truly forgiven someone, deeply, or feel
that someone has truly forgiven me.

Forgiveness is

sunshine on a cloudy day.

Voltaire

VOLTAIRE:
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.

Many people hold onto a grudge because it offers the illusion of power and a perverse feeling of security. But in fact, we are held hostage by our anger. It is never too late to forgive. But you can forgive toosoon. I am especially wary of what I call "saintly forgiveness." Premature forgiveness is common among people who avoid conflict.

They're afraid of their own anger and the anger of others. But their
forgiveness is false. Their anger goes underground. I define forgiving
as letting someone back into your heart. This returns us to a loving
state -- and not merely within the relationship -- we feel good about
ourselves and the world. True forgiveness isn't easy, but it
transforms us significantly. To forgive is to love and to feel worthy
of love. In that sense, it is always worthwhile.

love first

In The Scarlet Letter, Hawthorne says:  "It is to the credit of human nature, that, except where its selfishness is brought into play, it loves more readily than it hates."

I love this quote and I think it's true that our first instinct is to love and be close, and only when circumstances push us away do we lose this.

Hawthorne goes on to say, "Hatred, by a gradual and quiet process, will even be transformed to love, unless the change be impeded by a continually new irritation of the original feeling of hostility."  I think the same can be said of forgiveness--that is, time and innate love can transform lack of forgiveness to forgiveness.  We can speed the process by choice and intention.

Separating forgiveness from condoning ...

Letting Out the Old Anger, by Mary Stebbins Taitt


Separating forgiveness from condoning the act

This is from a discussion I had with another blogger and I thought I'd share it here.

She said, "I cannot separate forgiveness and condoning the act that needs to be forgiven."

I said:

I think separating forgiveness from condoning the act is a crucial thought and act.

You can learn to forgive WITHOUT condoning the act that was wrong.

People are human and everyone, including you, makes mistakes, does bad things--right? I sure know I do.

We HAVE to be forgiven because we are all imperfect and we get tired and grumpy and all sort of things cause us to to do wrong.

Try saying to YOURSELF (at first) and then maybe to some safe other person, I forgive YOU even though what you did was wrong and hurtful. I do not erase the wrong, I do not forget the wrong, but choose to forgive, even if I have to do it over and over again, I will forgive you.

Whether or not ALL acts should be forgiven is a question. I think probably they should, but boy oh boy, some are pretty heinous. Start with easy things, maybe.

My first husband beat me--very badly, more than once, and was abusive in other ways. He called me up years later and asked me to forgive him. I told him I wasn't sure I could. Later, I told him I would. I wasn't really sure I could, but I said I would, though I might have to keep trying.

I am crying now as I write this, because the pain is still there. But I do think I have finally succeeded in forgiving him. It was a long row to hoe. Speaking forgiveness inside and then aloud is a first step.

I get angry easily, probably too easily, and forgiving is hard. I think it's important. It may take me several days to forgive my husband when he has done something annoying or worse.

However, having said that, I will also say this: if someone hurts me ABUSIVELY, I need to find a safe refuge and keep myself safe. Forgiving does not mean allowing someone to continue to hurt you.

It's hard to know, sometimes, where to draw the line. There are people who can help with this if you need it.