It's easy for me to be smug about forgiveness when I am happy and all is going well and the dark corners of my soul are hidden from view. BUT what if I am the Fairy (become wicked witch) who did not get invited to the wedding?
How do I avoid planting a poisoned spindle?
That actually happened to me, many years ago. A good friend--or so I'd thought--got married. Her fiance wanted my boyfriend as his best man, but my boyfriend and I had just had a fight. They decided that to avoid tension at their wedding, they would not invite me. I was incredibly hurt. Our friendship was never the same after that. I felt unloved and rejected. I've tried and tried to forgive. I have not succeeded as well as I would prefer. We are polite and write to each other every year at Christmas, but the closeness is gone. I would like to truly forgive, to forgive deeply and be cleansed of any lingering resentments. But that is not what I reallywanted to talk about.
The current issueone is GB, my stepson. He did not show up at home tonight in time to leave for his guitar lesson. This is the boy who "doesn't consider me family," who stopped calling me "Mom," though he called me that for many years, who doesn't want me to adopt him. Orphan boy. But it's me calling to make him his last minute already late doctor appointments so he can join track and me calling all around trying to find him so he won't miss his guitar lesson. And there won't be any thank yous. Not today, and probably never.
Do I need them? I probably shouldn't need them. I should be able to rise above it all, to continue to be loving in the face of rejection--and I keep trying--but sometimes, it's hard. Very hard.
Anyone know a way to detoxify a poison spindle?
I want to do nothing dishonorable or unloving in the face of continued rejection and being taken for granted. (can those two be in the same sentence together, rejection and being taken for granted?}. IS there such a thing as ONGOING FORGIVENESS? How does one learn that skill?
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Teens are tough, Mary, especially step-teens. No matter what, they need the high road from us adults. It's a given that they grow into more discerning people as they reach adulthood. However, that being said, if they DON'T, then sometime after high school, you are under no obligation to do anything extra. Civility is always a requirement but you don't need to make yourself a doormat. Your step-son knows what he is doing and he will be even more aware of his behavior as an adult. If he eventually does not play nice, you can say so and tell him you don't play with childish adults who run with scissors.
Annie
p.s. by the way, where lessons, etc. are concerned, I would apply the same rules I put on my kids. Be there or no lessons. We have to pay the teacher whether the kid gets his lesson or not. So - no show. No lessons. Cancel them. Don't say anything. He'll notice eventually. They always do.
I don't want to be a doormat. :-(
I also don't want to be a "Wicked stepmother" who doesn't care.
I'd like to find that happy medium, but I'm not even really sure where it is.
I will tell him that if he doesn't show up for his lesson and we have to pay for it, which we will, then there will be no more lessons.
He was supposed to pay for summer school last summer, but he never did. So of course, we had to.
Thanks for your kind words.
Pay for summer school? Is he in high school or college?
He's in high school--the counselor wanted him to pay for his summer school course in math because he'd messed up. The counselor thought that Graham would take it more seriously if he paid for it himself. But of course, he never did.
He flunked math and is very smart, there was no reason for it.
What a metaphor ... and lesson.
Thanks so much Linda! :-D
It's a daily struggle for me and lots of prayers are needed.
I just read in Acedia and me, by Kathleen Norris, that one Monk prayed for 14 years that he might be relived of his anger. I need to be relieved NOW so I can be a good mother for GB even though he says he doesn't want me to be his mother.
Annie and friends; thank you so much for these thoughts. I need them so much right now. Pleased I followed the link.
I am not a vengeful person but I do find forgiveness hard when I have been hurt.
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